A Season of Forgiveness
Embracing the meaning of Eid Mubarak
Eid Mubarak is a celebration to mark the end of Ramadan. But it goes beyond just family gatherings and delicious food - it’s a time to commemorate reconciliation. It is a season for forgiveness.
Eve Writes | 02 June 2019
Life & Culture : Feature
They say forgive and forget, live and let live, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – but what they don’t say is how to reach the point where you are able to believe in those clichés.
You read quote after quote, take up constructive behavior after constructive behavior, but yet, you can’t seem to let go of the things and people that have hurt you, even if one person is yourself.
Forgiveness in Islam
An attribute which has received due attention in Islam and which has been extensively discussed in the Holy Quran, hadiths (Islamic traditions), and narrations. it relates to the issues of 'forgiveness,' signifies overlooking the offence and sin of a person who has purposefully or mistakenly done you wrong, such as insulting you by his or her words, beating you up or exacting your property.
Ignoring all these issues and not castigating the person who has committed this wrong is called 'forgiveness'.
Forgiveness is of two types:
• We forgive someone when we are unable to take vengeance. This kind of pardon is, in fact, tantamount to patience and forbearance and not to forgiveness. In other words, it is a kind of helplessness and debility.
• We forgive someone when we have the power to take revenge. The forgiveness desired by Islam and its leaders relates to this kind.
In the views of Islam, the most utterances of the immaculate Imams (peace be upon them all), the word 'power' has been used wherever the issue of forgiveness is raised. And thus, during the month of Ramadan, when a person is fasting and reflecting on their deeds, seeking and giving 'forgiveness in Islam' should be a joyous gift, not a grim obligation.
For most, you act on ‘forgiveness’ because it is expected of the season but let’s face it, if you try to force it, you’ll just end up feeling pressured – and perhaps guilty if you’re unable to follow through.
About Eve gathered input from learned scholars from different background for you to ponder.
Set yourself the intent
Like setting your goals, set your intention to forgive, and then do it at your own pace, knowing it might take days, weeks or months. If you find you aren’t making any headway after months of focused intention and exercise, you might want to consider working toward acceptance rather than forgiveness.
Like forgiveness, “acceptance is a life-affirming, authentic response,” says clinical psychologist Janis Abrahams Spring, PhD. Acceptance involves making a thoughtful decision to face what has happened and deal with it in a way that’s in your best interest – even if you feel that true forgiveness is not an option. You can still stop obsessing over the hurt and move on with your life.
Source: AFTER THE AFFAIR. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board certified clinical psychologist and nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness.
Consciously lay the groundwork
“Maaf Zahir & Batin” – this is the commonly expected greetings or rather phrase during Ramadan and Eid Al Fitr to seek forgiveness from family and friends.
However, just expressing or reciting the words as greeting without actually asking yourself, have you faced your anger, or have you avoided dealing with it? How has the anger affected you, mentally and physically? Have you been obsessing over the grievance or the offender? Has the situation caused a permanent change in your life or the way you view the world? Having not come to term with any of these wouldn't help to move forward with the forgiveness you seek.
May we suggest writing about these issues in a journal. Set aside time each day (10 or 15 minutes) for that purpose, but don’t pressure yourself to write a certain amount. Just keep up the daily writing until you’ve answered some of the questions to your satisfaction.
Change your narrative
Do you have a longstanding “grievance story” that you constantly repeat to yourself and others?
“A grievance story typically describes how somebody else ruined your life,” according to Frederic Luskin, PhD, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project at Stanford University. These are questions we need to diligently ask ourselves.
Ask yourself again, is it really true that somebody ruin your life? In reality, somebody else did something painful or difficult. Then you didn’t handle it well.” Turn your grievance story into a hero story that focuses on what you did to recover from or cope with the situation.
By shifting from ‘poor me’ to ‘here’s what I did,' you no longer cast yourself in the role of victim,” he says. AND we duly agree!
Focus on here and now
You may feel upset about something that happened in the past, but what’s distressing you at this very moment are the feelings, thoughts, and physical reactions you’re having right now. Again, Dr. Luskin suggested, actively calming the body and mind for even six to 10 seconds can help short circuit your ongoing stress response, he says. His suggestion: Take a few moments to “breathe deeply, pray, look at something beautiful or remember how much you love someone.”
Make it about you
You might have a chance to tell the person who hurt you that you forgive him or her. Or you might not. You might receive heartfelt gratitude and reconciliation in return. Or you might not. Regardless, you can still choose to forgive. The aim is to find peace for yourself, with or without the offender’s help. Whatever the outcome, you can still free up the personal energy you’re spending on holding a grudge and begin using it for more constructive purposes.
Take responsibility
Ultimately, we all make our own choices. Whatever position you found yourself in, and whomever you chose to associate with, and whatever decisions you made that got you into this state, you put yourself there and made those decisions yourself, unless someone held a gun to your head. Realizing that you made the decisions puts the control back in your hands. But rather than be angry at yourself for your mistakes, know that you in fact you have control, which is empowering, and this will help you in the future to help yourself.
Forgiveness won’t necessarily erase all your pain. AND indeed that’s one of life’s truth.
When somebody has deliberately betrayed you; a loved one abused you and even when you think you have moved on…something reminds you about what that person has done, it’s natural to still feel hurt or resentment or even spasms of hate. Forgiveness is best regarded as an evolution rather than a one-time event. Especially for egregious offenses, you may need to revisit the process repeatedly, but it should get easier over time. Eventually, you’ll realize that your feelings about the other person’s choices and behavior have changed in a deep and abiding way. That’s when you’ll know you’ve learned to forgive for good.
In this season of Eid ul Fitr, where its a time to commemorate reconciliation, to seek and give forgiveness is encouraged, it is because Islam is a religion of peace and highly in favour of forgiving others for their acts and dislikes the act of taking revenge.
Many amongst us are not satisfied without retaliation or pay back against those people who did something wrong to them or done any kind of injustice. As a religion Islam tells us so many things that we should keep in our minds before taking any untowardly drastic measures like revenge or retaliation.
The best revenge is to treat them better than they have treated you; to let your good manners silence them; because you are a better person, because you’re doing this for god. Maaf Zahir & Batin.
